But I was reminded about a run-in I had with a homeless man at my local Starbucks a while back and this leads me to yet another Miami miss-adventure...
Like many people, I need a little jump start in the morning and when I'm feeling particularly "saucy," I'll swing by the Starbucks in my hood for a latte. I ordered my coffee concoction and chatted up the cute Coast Guard guys in line behind me (an added perk).
As I was leaving the Starbucks and headed for my car, I saw a strange (read: homeless) man standing by my vehicle facing the driver's side. Since I was approaching from the opposite direction, I slowed down a bit to try and figure out what he was doing. Was he breaking in? Was he dragging a set of keys along the door? Straightening my mirror?!?
I had a couple of options at that point:
1) Let the man finish his business.
2) Yell at him about proper etiquette of relieving one's self in public - we've all done it but there is a right and wrong way people!
3) Confront him and try to get him to stop.
There's never much time to think in these situations and homeless man was quickly making his way towards the back of my car. So I did what any rational girl in my situation would do. I started by yelling "HEY ASSHOLE!!!!" then followed that with a string of other obscenities, then confidently walked up behind him, removed my Prada shoe and beat him about the neck and shoulders with it (I didn't want to get too close or actually touch him). Perhaps this would not be most people's first choice when it comes to a weapon...but for me, fabulous!
(The weapon - See? Fabulous!)
This did not seem to phase him much because he turned around and stared at me with glazed eyes and his "tool" for creating his masterpiece still "exposed" and at the ready. I should have dumped my hot coffee on him (or on "it" to be more precise) right then and there. I just didn't want to waste a $6 cup of coffee!
I continued my tirade - "Are you FUCKING crazy?!!?!?" - Clearly, this was rhetorical (and rather obvious) and I should have come up with a better question. Maybe something about impressionistic art?
I put my shoe back on and since he was still standing there, with no intention of moving, I started beating him with my LV bag and kept cursing at him until he found the energy to walk away. I then began to point out the other places he should have peed including the nearby fence, fountain, curb, alley, tree or the crummy Kia parked behind my car. Loudly. Loud enough for the 30 to 40 people standing in the shopping area to turn and stare at me while I continued yelling and homeless man ambled away.
As I was surveying the new creative addition to my car, a kind member of the Coast Guard (who was trying to contain his laughter - along with the other people watching the Prada shoe beat-down) handed me a bottle of water and some napkins. Nice and all, but not enough to clean what homeless man had left behind...maybe just enough for me to touch the door handle though.
Needless to say, my car was thoroughly detailed later that day and now I go to a different Starbucks with a drive-through. Although I did end up going out on a date with the Coast Guard guy but it didn't work out. I think he thought at any moment I might slip off my high heel and beat him and I was wearing four inch heels that night.
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