1) When a man says "I don't want to hurt your feelings..." he's about to hurt your feelings. No one starts that sentence and ends it with "but I think you need to eat more. You're way too skinny. Let me get you a burger." Never.
** Other statements you should be cautious of include "Don't take this the wrong way" (because whatever will follow only allows you to take it one way - badly), and my personal favorite "you can feel free to say no" - which you inevitably will. Guaranteed.
2) Never trust a man who hasn't seen "Weird Science," "Ferris Bueller," or "Top Gun" (this last one is crucial as the ex was a pilot. Seems like that 80's classic should have been in his movie repetoire).
3) Ben & Jerry's Cake Batter is a great way to ease a bit of heartache. You'll pay for it later though.
So now it's back to the dating game and I've met two "gentlemen" (although we'll use that term loosely) on-line that I've had the pleasure (again, not the right term) to meet.
I try to approach my dating life with a sense of humor or it would become entirely so depressing that I might cry. So I hope you get a kick out of this as much as I did.
The Dirty Surgeon
It all seemed so promising. Trauma surgeon. Smart. Funny. Late thirties. A bit short for me but totally made up for it in confidence. The first time we met, he brought me a bottle of wine (always a quick way into my heart) and we had a great time watching basketball and getting to know each other. Our similar sense of humor meant we clicked instantly and we flirted effortlessly. When he asked to see me again, I immediately agreed.
Fast forward a week to date #2. He mentioned he has a gift for me and I'm wondering if after the bottle of wine, perhaps I'm getting flowers. Oh!!! Maybe chocolate! Happinnes.
So imagine my horror (and subsequent speechlessness) when my "gift" included a Hustler label and batteries. Seriously?!?!?!?! Perhaps I should have been thankful it was still IN the packaging.
Have I been out of the game so long that the rules of dating and gift giving have changed?
Fellas - here's a tip for you. Sex toys are NOT the way into a girl's heart or into her bed. And here's another thought...does he just have a drawer full of toys for his dates? Does he rummage through a treasure trove of toys trying to decide which one truly represents the girl in question? I actually wouldn't be surprised if that were true.
One-Eyed Jack
I'll preface this by saying that photos can be deceiving. What appears normal is typically photo-shopped, edited slightly or utilizes some sort of trick photography.
Having said that, I give you "One-Eyed Jack" an IT professional. I certainly don't want to be hurtful or cruel but this man had an issue with his eyes or eyesight that was so distracting that I was unable to look at him directly the entire night. To be honest, I don't know if HE was ever looking at me directly. I'm also almost positive that one of his eyes was a glass eye. It didn't move and was milky in color.
I've always believed that direct eye contact is important - whether in business or in your personal life. You can tell if a person is being honest, or if a person is attracted to you, etc. I still don't know what Jack was looking at and I was so distracted that I ended up staring at my shoes or my glass of wine the entire night. My mantra by the time our drinks were emptied was "I have nerves of steel, the strength of my convictions and fabulous footwear. I can make it through this date." Repeat after me.
So life can only get better right? We'll see. I'm not so sure but I'll continue to update my blog so you can read along with my current state of dating misery.
If facebook hadn't just put new restrictions on voting through the "like" function, I'd start posting pictures of these guys and let all of my friends pick for me.
