Ratatouille With a Side of Pepper Spray Please

So walking the dogs on Monday morning, I bent over to do that scoop thing when I suddenly felt something wet on my leg. I realized that while bending over, I accidentally pressed the top of my pepper spray dispenser which was now leaking the red fluid down my right side and causing a serious burning sensation.

I tried to hurry the other four-legged roommate who was taking his sweet time with his morning routine and then hobbled back into the building and sat in a warm bath trying to get that shit off me. It occurred to me while soaking that the pepper spray dispenser (with purple tip) just hadn't worked right since I used it on the rat several weeks ago.

You know I'm cursed when it comes to animals and this rat has by far been one of the creepiest, most awful thing I've encountered in Miami (other than a few first dates but that's another post for another day).

The run-in with Ratzilla occurred around 6AM when it was still pretty dark out. Clad in running shorts, an old concert T-shirt, flip flops and my eye glasses I took the roommates out for their morning stroll. We typically head over to an area about a block away that has a lot of green space and then make our way through an alley of sorts towards Brickell Ave (the main drag through downtown Miami) before heading back to the apartment.

On this particular morning, the dogs had finished what they needed to do and we were headed down the alley when I saw something running towards us.

My first assumption - "A dog! I wonder why it's not on a leash? hmmmm" (please remember I'm tired, it's dark and I'm wearing glasses)

My second (and last) assumption - "Maybe its a cat. Or a raccoon?"

OH MY GOD!!!! IT'S A DAMN RAT AND IT'S GOING TO RUN ME OVER AND DESTROY THE DOGS!!!"

People. IT WAS HUGE. No exaggerating here - it easily would have out-weighed the Pug.

I immediately picked up Riley and threw him under one arm like a football - after all, he can't see more than three inches in front of him so how would he know friend from foe; dog from rat?

I only had a few seconds to go through my options:

A) Run the other direction but towards wherever Super Rat was going? (umm pass)
B) Make like Carl Edwards and hurdle Ratatouille with a Pug under one arm and the Dalmatian restrained somehow...in flip flops? (complicated but possible)
C) Turn the 10 year old Dalmatian loose and hope she can take him out? (totally not gonna happen given that in her lifetime she's only killed frogs and a sick dove)
D) Spray the damn thing with pepper spray and pray that it impales the creature enough for us to get around him.

So we went with a combination of B and D which seemed to make sense at the time. With the Pug securely under my arm, Paris' leash tightly held and my pepper spray at the ready...I unloaded an entire container of that shit on Ratatouille. Let me tell you what I learned:

• Pepper spray does not really slow a rat down but does make a rat scream.
• I curse a lot.
• Dalmatians fear rats.
• A rat recently sprayed with hot magma innately knows where the assailant is and chooses to move in the assailants direction. No matter what.
• When afraid, I run like a Muppet away from danger.

As I was making my escape (again, please use your powers of visualization here), I ran right past a security guard who apparently heard screaming and was coming to my aid - too late I might add. The man is doubled over and can't breath. As I hit Brickell and start to turn towards my building, he gets out "You Okay?"

Ummmmm - NOOOOO!!! I don't think there's a recovery program (for me or the dogs) for giant rat encounters.